Chief Justice Sereno’s Novelty

Memo to the Dying 07:
To: Chief Justice Sereno’s Novelty
Day of Death: Anytime now
Final Act: Pen A Landmark Supreme Court Decision

Congratulations for being our first woman Chief Justice.

I hope that your gender is not the main reason for your appointment. Because he is the only son in the family, President Noynoy tends to compensate his deprivation by surrounding himself with three groups of people in his government: father figures, brothers-in-arms, and strong women. The first two are compensations, the third is comfort zone.  (That is much better of course than GMA who surrounded herself with boytoys – comfort zone AND compensation for having a dweeb for a husband, and losers for sons.)

You join an elite circle of high-profile powerful women now: Kim Henares, Conchita Carpio-Morales, Leila de Lima, Ging Deles, Dinky Soliman, and Etta Rosales.

That we pioneer in having women as heads of branches of government doesn’t mean that we have an enlightened citizenry. It simply means that the previous men suck big time. Cory and GMA took over from ousted presidents while you follow an impeached loser. Continue reading

PAGASA’s Stormy Credibility

Memo to the Dying 06:
To: PAGASA’s stormy credibility
Estimated Death: on the next supertyphoon

Suggested Final Act: Build A New Vocabulary

First of all, remove from your report irritating lines like: We expect that the weather will improve in the next two to three days. And then the next day, the streets would be flooded because a new LPA was spotted. Why not just say, “Now, nothing indicates a bad weather, however be prepared because it is the monsoon season and it might just flood when you wake up tomorrow.”

Secondly, please edit your mission statement:

“The primary mission of PAGASA is to provide protection of life and property against natural hazards due to typhoons, floods, drought, giant waves, high seas, etc., to utilize scientific knowledge and information as an effective instrument to ensure the safety, well being, economic security and improve the quality of life of all the people and the environment; and to promote national progress and contribute to regional socio-economic development through various applications of meteorology, geophysics and space sciences (including astronomy).”

I understand that your field is science and not language; but that statement, which defines who you are, is full of errors. Then again, maybe that’s who you are. Continue reading

Sen. Sotto’s National Influence

Memo to the Dying 03
To: Senator Tito Sotto’s National Influence
Estimated Death: Now

Suggested Final Act: Write a Blog on Political Jokes

Blanket disclosure: Some of these ideas are not mine ( so walang plagiarism ito)

Yes, that title is a joke! National influence indeed! You are one of the two national public figures who belong to the most under-reported category of betrayal of public trust: failure to do anything significant despite being voted as Number 1 senator. The other of course is Noli de Castro. But while Noli does not have any air of importance about him, you act as if our lives depend on you. That argumentum ad misecordiam you use in your first Turno en Contra revealed who you really are: pro-RH. Your speeches reduce us to a state of stupor and decrease our sexual appetites. Continue talking and nobody gets pregnant in this country.

I don’t mind that you are a plagiarist. I never expected anything original from you. Like Eat Bulaga, you find entertainment in poor people’s misery in the guise of giving them hope.

This is our revenge: we will forever remember you as a plagiarist and forget everything good you have done to make us smile.

There is still time. Open a blog about political jokes, you don’t need to come up with new entries – just copy and paste from Political Heckler. That way, you combine three of your passions: patronage politics, power of humor, and plagiarism. That blog then is autobiographical.

President Mar Roxas, RIP

Memo to the Dying 02

To: Mar Roxas Presidential Ambitions
Estimated Death: May 2013 Elections

Suggested Final Act: Aim for Statesmanship

I will not assign you the title “Best President This Country Never Had”. In my book, that honor still belongs to Ninoy. You are a close second. But that is getting ahead.

First, congratulations for handling the Operation Kalihim with such finesse and precision. You looked every inch a gentleman and a seasoned politician. Mom Judy must be proud. Your moments of tenderness and compassion were all appropriate. Your tears were within the quota of public display of emotion. All in all, you showed your real character: caring, professional, and unreachable.

That is why you will never be the country’s president. The presidency was not taken from you, the way it was stolen from Al Gore. It was not denied of you, the way it was denied to Hillary. It simply is not coming your way.

There is something that hinders your road to Malacanang and his name is  not Jejomar Binay. His name is Mar Roxas. You don’t have the right mixes.

You have the pedigree like Noynoy but not his tragedy. You have the charm of Chiz but not his sex appeal. Korina vs Heart? I rest my case. Yes, your skin is moreno, but it is as smooth as chocolate blend while Binay’s wrinkled complexion reminds us of hardworking grandpa. Continue reading

Atty. Leni Robredo’s Media Presence

Memo to the Dying 01:
To: Atty. Leni Robredo’s Media Coverage
Estimated Death: On the 40th day commemoration of Jesse Robredo’s death

Suggested Final Act: A Scathing Challenge to the Media

As it should be, Atty. Leni, the media coverage around you should rest in peace together with your beloved husband. But while we will miss your husband, we won’t give another thought to your media coverage. So, I hope you use these final days to come up with a big bang exit.

Your media relations strategy was exquisite as any survivor of a tragedy can be. You began with dignified silence; followed it with an intelligent and compassionate engagement with media; and then what? HIT THEM!

Your husband is a classic case of the emperor’s new clothes that media people are wearing. That mantle of objectivity? It doesn’t exist. They don’t determine opinion – they ride on the popular wave of collective neurosis.

Case in point: after the Luneta hostage-taking incident, media – picking up from Twitters and Facebook – were generally unkind towards and prejudiced against your husband. There was a clamor for him to resign.

Now that ordinary people, employees, the masses on the street honor Jesse, media joined in the foray and act as if they have been Jesse’s friend. Bullshit!

So, before your coverage dies, HIT it, with a strong force enough to plunge it into the deep blue sea. No, do not go into the Susan Roces avenue whose tirade against ABS-CBN (making Karen Davila cry) was vengeful. And where is she now? Right there in Walang Hanggan!

Do not mimic the president who attacked news anchor Noli de Castro during a grand celebration. That was both vengeful and opportunistic.

Yours will be a dignified and intelligent attack so that media will learn its lesson well — report the news as fairly as possible without primary consideration of ratings and twitter trending.

Note to the Environment

Memo 00

To: The Natural Environment
Projected Time of Death: December 12, 2012
According to: Ancient Calendars and Modern Bloggers

Re: Final Act

Before you die, and I guess you should because you have been acting like a senile senior citizen lately, I want you to make your final act a thing of beauty.

Please – floods, tsunami, eruptions, earthquakes, hurricanes are so passe. Been there, done that. Show us your perfection. Bring back extinct animals and plants. Let all flowers bloom. Let all trees bear fruit. Let all animals roam the land, friendly with one other. Let Erap ride on the wings of a dodo because that is his dream.

Let the earth experience its best springtime – even for three days. Then you can go as you wish.

Lolong the Tourist Attraction

Memo to the Dying 12:
To: Lolong as Tourist Attraction
Estimated Death: it is  a race who will die first – Lolong or a tourist

Suggested Final Act: Release him back to the marshland

Hey you, the LGU of Bunawan, you guys are way beyond your league. Lolong – the world’s largest saltwater crocodile in captivity – is something you can’t handle – literally and figuratively.

Eco-tourism? My ass! Conservation? None of you are conservation scientists, and I doubt if there is someone there who really specializes in saltwater crocodile. There is a reason why it is called a beast – it treats humans as prey.  That sorry state of a water pond you call a conservation – even if it is temporary – cannot be considered an alternative habitat for that wild beauty  you have.

It is either he dies; or he gets to eat one of your tourists. You say you have an investor willing to put in P 200 million? Then here is the Option B: develop the marshland using that money. Safeguard those locals; provide better infrastructure; out in some cabins in there; and return Lolong to where he belongs.