Memo to the Dying 11
To: Risa Hontiveros-Baraquel’s Senatorial Ambition
Day of Death: On the first day of the filing of candidacies
Suggested Final Act: Become the Presidential Consort
Come now Risa, just stop it! The TV Ad, the pre-election sortie disguised as relief operations, the media relations activities all mean one thing: you don’t get it. People will not vote for you as senator.
You are a fighter. But the best warriors know when a battle cannot be won; nobody is asking you to abandon the war, just this silly fight.
You have your team of analysts, research specialist, image consultants, and media relations officers. That you are still running means either you are not listening or they are lying.
If the former is the case, you shouldn’t be a senator in the first place. But if it is the latter, then listen: here are three reasons why people won’t vote for you as senator. Continue reading
Memo to the Dying 03
To: Senator Tito Sotto’s National Influence
Estimated Death: Now
Suggested Final Act: Write a Blog on Political Jokes
Blanket disclosure: Some of these ideas are not mine ( so walang plagiarism ito)
Yes, that title is a joke! National influence indeed! You are one of the two national public figures who belong to the most under-reported category of betrayal of public trust: failure to do anything significant despite being voted as Number 1 senator. The other of course is Noli de Castro. But while Noli does not have any air of importance about him, you act as if our lives depend on you. That argumentum ad misecordiam you use in your first Turno en Contra revealed who you really are: pro-RH. Your speeches reduce us to a state of stupor and decrease our sexual appetites. Continue talking and nobody gets pregnant in this country.
I don’t mind that you are a plagiarist. I never expected anything original from you. Like Eat Bulaga, you find entertainment in poor people’s misery in the guise of giving them hope.
This is our revenge: we will forever remember you as a plagiarist and forget everything good you have done to make us smile.
There is still time. Open a blog about political jokes, you don’t need to come up with new entries – just copy and paste from Political Heckler. That way, you combine three of your passions: patronage politics, power of humor, and plagiarism. That blog then is autobiographical.
Memo to the Dying 02
To: Mar Roxas Presidential Ambitions
Estimated Death: May 2013 Elections
Suggested Final Act: Aim for Statesmanship
I will not assign you the title “Best President This Country Never Had”. In my book, that honor still belongs to Ninoy. You are a close second. But that is getting ahead.
First, congratulations for handling the Operation Kalihim with such finesse and precision. You looked every inch a gentleman and a seasoned politician. Mom Judy must be proud. Your moments of tenderness and compassion were all appropriate. Your tears were within the quota of public display of emotion. All in all, you showed your real character: caring, professional, and unreachable.
That is why you will never be the country’s president. The presidency was not taken from you, the way it was stolen from Al Gore. It was not denied of you, the way it was denied to Hillary. It simply is not coming your way.
There is something that hinders your road to Malacanang and his name is not Jejomar Binay. His name is Mar Roxas. You don’t have the right mixes.
You have the pedigree like Noynoy but not his tragedy. You have the charm of Chiz but not his sex appeal. Korina vs Heart? I rest my case. Yes, your skin is moreno, but it is as smooth as chocolate blend while Binay’s wrinkled complexion reminds us of hardworking grandpa. Continue reading