Monthly Archives: August 2012

Vice Ganda’s Reign

Memo to the Dying 10
To: Vice Ganda’s Reign
Estimated Death: When Marcelito Pomoy Comes Out of the Closet
Final Act: Marry Jong Hilario

Because he is intelligent, Vice-Ganda knows his reign as Comedy Queen (King?) is peaking, will flatten, and will go downhill from there.  With his brand of humor: observational comedy, irony and sarcasm with a flash of self-deprecating wit, Vice Ganda will not run of funny things to say; what he will run out of is something more mundane: motivation.

Creative comedians like Vice follow the patterns of Seinfeld, they want to take it to the next level where nobody gets their joke. Then someone’s comedic potential gets discovered and will be hosting Gandang Gabi Marcelito.

Frankly, I don’t like Vice. He is funny and intelligent. His quick humor and sarcasm are seamless. But his popular jokes destroy the foundations of Filipino cultural values: respect and discernment. Continue reading


Our Love Affair with Pacquaio

Memo to the Dying 09
To: Manny Pacquiao’s Love Affair with Pinoys
Day of Death: On the Fourth Pacquaio-Marques Bout

Suggested Final Act: Be a Full-time Family Man

We all love Manny Pacquiao, right? Even our criminals take a day-off during his matches – the petty kind, I mean, because the big ones are with him ringside.

But as a human interest story, Pacquiao is one word stretched into an entire dictionary.

When a boxing champ becomes a singer, we call it versatility. When a boxer/singer becomes a politician. We call it character stretch. But when a boxer/singer/politician becomes a TV host, a ramp model, a Bible preacher, a commercial endorser, then it is time to cut the crap and call it what it really is: social climbing.

When you are not educated, and fame gets into your head, two things can happen: you suffer a major breakdown like Mommy Dionesia, or suffer from illusions of grandeur like her son.

When the nation was bereft of heroes and good news, Manny was a relief. But now that there is so much good news going on and real heroes are given the opportunity to shine, Manny is becoming tiresome and useless.

He had fought his matches, he had served this country well. It is time for him to go back to what pushed him to fight in the first place – his family. Be a fulltime family man, Congressman Pacquiao. That is the best way to preserve your legacy. Now, which family is that?

Kapatid Network

Memo to the Dying 08:
To: Kapatid Network
Estimated Death: When MVP acquires GMA

Suggested Final Act: Revamp Your News Programming and Become the Good News TV

Let us be honest, despite high-profile talent acquisition – vintage Nora Aunor, larger-than-life Sharon Cuneta, legendary Dolphy, and Ultimate Survivor Willy Revillame – you are still where you started pre-MVP: an outsider. You are the street dog waiting outside the kitchen door for leftovers of the audience shared by the two giants dining inside the restaurant.

Ah, but MVP is  a wise and shrewd business, he knows this was coming. TV5 is intended to be a take-off point for  a larger acquisition: GMA. That will happen anytime now.


Now, what should be your final act?

Niching should be your strategy, but where? Not in primetime teleserye. The cast you can afford to pirate, but the people behind the success of each teleserye – producers, directors, scriptwriters, casting directors –  have forged their loyalty to The Charo Santos like the rings of Sauron. No one can escape the EYE of Charon.

Continue reading

Chief Justice Sereno’s Novelty

Memo to the Dying 07:
To: Chief Justice Sereno’s Novelty
Day of Death: Anytime now
Final Act: Pen A Landmark Supreme Court Decision

Congratulations for being our first woman Chief Justice.

I hope that your gender is not the main reason for your appointment. Because he is the only son in the family, President Noynoy tends to compensate his deprivation by surrounding himself with three groups of people in his government: father figures, brothers-in-arms, and strong women. The first two are compensations, the third is comfort zone.  (That is much better of course than GMA who surrounded herself with boytoys – comfort zone AND compensation for having a dweeb for a husband, and losers for sons.)

You join an elite circle of high-profile powerful women now: Kim Henares, Conchita Carpio-Morales, Leila de Lima, Ging Deles, Dinky Soliman, and Etta Rosales.

That we pioneer in having women as heads of branches of government doesn’t mean that we have an enlightened citizenry. It simply means that the previous men suck big time. Cory and GMA took over from ousted presidents while you follow an impeached loser. Continue reading

PAGASA’s Stormy Credibility

Memo to the Dying 06:
To: PAGASA’s stormy credibility
Estimated Death: on the next supertyphoon

Suggested Final Act: Build A New Vocabulary

First of all, remove from your report irritating lines like: We expect that the weather will improve in the next two to three days. And then the next day, the streets would be flooded because a new LPA was spotted. Why not just say, “Now, nothing indicates a bad weather, however be prepared because it is the monsoon season and it might just flood when you wake up tomorrow.”

Secondly, please edit your mission statement:

“The primary mission of PAGASA is to provide protection of life and property against natural hazards due to typhoons, floods, drought, giant waves, high seas, etc., to utilize scientific knowledge and information as an effective instrument to ensure the safety, well being, economic security and improve the quality of life of all the people and the environment; and to promote national progress and contribute to regional socio-economic development through various applications of meteorology, geophysics and space sciences (including astronomy).”

I understand that your field is science and not language; but that statement, which defines who you are, is full of errors. Then again, maybe that’s who you are. Continue reading

Sen. Sotto’s National Influence

Memo to the Dying 03
To: Senator Tito Sotto’s National Influence
Estimated Death: Now

Suggested Final Act: Write a Blog on Political Jokes

Blanket disclosure: Some of these ideas are not mine ( so walang plagiarism ito)

Yes, that title is a joke! National influence indeed! You are one of the two national public figures who belong to the most under-reported category of betrayal of public trust: failure to do anything significant despite being voted as Number 1 senator. The other of course is Noli de Castro. But while Noli does not have any air of importance about him, you act as if our lives depend on you. That argumentum ad misecordiam you use in your first Turno en Contra revealed who you really are: pro-RH. Your speeches reduce us to a state of stupor and decrease our sexual appetites. Continue talking and nobody gets pregnant in this country.

I don’t mind that you are a plagiarist. I never expected anything original from you. Like Eat Bulaga, you find entertainment in poor people’s misery in the guise of giving them hope.

This is our revenge: we will forever remember you as a plagiarist and forget everything good you have done to make us smile.

There is still time. Open a blog about political jokes, you don’t need to come up with new entries – just copy and paste from Political Heckler. That way, you combine three of your passions: patronage politics, power of humor, and plagiarism. That blog then is autobiographical.

President Mar Roxas, RIP

Memo to the Dying 02

To: Mar Roxas Presidential Ambitions
Estimated Death: May 2013 Elections

Suggested Final Act: Aim for Statesmanship

I will not assign you the title “Best President This Country Never Had”. In my book, that honor still belongs to Ninoy. You are a close second. But that is getting ahead.

First, congratulations for handling the Operation Kalihim with such finesse and precision. You looked every inch a gentleman and a seasoned politician. Mom Judy must be proud. Your moments of tenderness and compassion were all appropriate. Your tears were within the quota of public display of emotion. All in all, you showed your real character: caring, professional, and unreachable.

That is why you will never be the country’s president. The presidency was not taken from you, the way it was stolen from Al Gore. It was not denied of you, the way it was denied to Hillary. It simply is not coming your way.

There is something that hinders your road to Malacanang and his name is  not Jejomar Binay. His name is Mar Roxas. You don’t have the right mixes.

You have the pedigree like Noynoy but not his tragedy. You have the charm of Chiz but not his sex appeal. Korina vs Heart? I rest my case. Yes, your skin is moreno, but it is as smooth as chocolate blend while Binay’s wrinkled complexion reminds us of hardworking grandpa. Continue reading